Of course. I don't mind it any, though I suspect part of that is just because what I've remembered is so baffling.
I told you that my past life came up with a complicated plan all to kill someone. The man I wanted dead was the leader of the guilds. I was running a guild at the time, and I believe I saw him as standing in the way of my goals - which ultimately were to make a profit on the high tensions between the Empire and the guilds. I tried quite a few times to push them closer to war, though ultimately I never succeeded at that.
I did succeed at getting that man killed. I'm not sure how I felt about it after, but I did respect the man.
[You can probably see how it was kind of weird to remember all of that.]
Oh, it certainly is. The memories themselves are mostly lacking in any sort of emotion, which is something of a good thing, I suppose. Whatever I was doing in my past life, I didn't really feel much about it.
I've told you that I was a warmongerer who was perfectly fine with murder, so I really don't have any ground to stand on there! I've heard some pretty terrible things from peoples' past lives, and I can promise it has never changed my opinion of who they are now. It's something I don't want to lose sight of.
[It's entirely true, and that... that's really the problem he's been having with Arthurlexei over here, isn't it?]
I promise I won't think any less of you, regardless of what you'd like to tell me.
I don't know much about my life before this one, but I was...different, as a very young child. I could see angels and demons both; I spoke to the angels often. Eventually I became head of a religious order.
I don't know why I chose the methods I did, but I wanted to use my power to do something terrible to people in order to save them from themselves.
[He's quiet for a moment, toying with that pendant again.]
...I was also a murderer. Again, I don't know why, but I've remembered killing a child and disposing of the body. We were outside, and I stabbed him to death in the middle of the night and threw the corpse into a pit of some sort.
[...]
I killed a child, I watched horrible things happening to people, I wanted to cause serious harm to an unthinkable number of people... I didn't feel much, while any of that was happening.
That would be a lot to take in under any circumstance, but Jaeger's mild confusion isn't because it's a lot. Sure, it is. And yes, it's terrible. But he did mean what he said, he just hadn't realized the person he's dealing with can't be Alexei.
Yes, there are things that line up. And this is pretty vague as it is, and Jaeger certainly wouldn't put it past Alexei to kill a child. Given how he was keeping Yeager in line, it's possible. No, the part that's throwing him so hard is the first one, the thing about angels and demons and Arthur becoming the leader of a religious order.
Arthur isn't Alexei, and while he should probably be really relieved at that, right now he's just confused.]
...Oh dear, that really is a lot to have remembered in such a short time.
[But just because he's confused doesn't mean he should just sit there!!]
I'm terribly sorry. These memories sound like they've been difficult, even without any emotions attached. Perhaps especially without them, that's a little worrying.
[...]
I meant what I said though, Arthur. This isn't going to make me think poorly of you. How are you holding up? I can imagine that dealing with all of this so suddenly is very difficult.
I was married to a woman who saved my life once. I spent time with her sister, teaching her how to take care of herself and provide for others. I lived with them for ten years before becoming head of the Abbey. The angels I've remembered were...nice, I think; they didn't all look like people, some of them were small creatures that were very cute.
It's manageable for now. It's not something I really talk about with anyone, but it isn't the worst.
There's usually some good memories in there as well, at least in my experience. My past life had two daughters, and he loved them as much as he could at that point.
[There's nothing negative about the last part. Yeager just wasn't capable of feeling as much as Jaeger would have liked.]
I'm glad it's manageable, at least. It can be really difficult getting memories like that; I'm glad you're doing okay, though!
[He's quiet for a moment before he responds; now that it's out there, he's not certain that he really wants an answer to what he's going to ask. But again, it's better to know, he imagines.]
With regards to the physical changes we experience, I know some of them can be more severe than others. I've accepted that another one is likely to happen to me; it isn't going to stop with hair color, and I won't have a say in when it occurs.
I suppose my question is whether things like that tend to happen in the middle of the night like the first one did. I...
[He hesitates; his gaze darts for a moment, obviously uncomfortable, before he pushes ahead anyway.]
It isn't anything life-threatening or painful. It's just something that I would prefer to have happen while I'm asleep.
[His tone is slightly forced; the sort of thing that implies he's at least trying to be brave about it.]
It's something I'm going to need to learn to live with. There's no point in making anyone worry over me. Everyone has their own problems, most more severe than my own.
That doesn't mean that you should act like your problems aren't important.
I used to believe the same thing - my memories weren't as bad as those of the people around me, my physical changes weren't as terrible, things like that. I thought it was important to support them and to keep my own worries to myself, because they weren't as bad. But it really didn't work, and it took quite some time, but eventually they helped me realize that doing that was only causing me even more pain.
It's not fair to do something like that to yourself, and I'm sure those closest to you will be more than happy to help, if you'll let them.
I'm not close to anyone. I live alone; I devote all my time to studies and work. I help people, but I'm not friends with any of them.
I can't protect or save anyone, and I'm not useful to anyone in this situation except for the support that I can provide. If I can't even offer that, then I have nothing, and I refuse to be worthless like that.
I'll be fine.
[There's nothing angry or upset about it; it's all just statements, really, albeit kind of firm ones.]
I'm sure the support you provide others is incredibly important to them. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them already consider you a friend.
That's how I ended up dating my husband, actually. We weren't really close until Retrospec happened and we helped one another out. I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't had his help.
I'm do think you'll be fine, regardless of what happens. But I also think it wouldn't hurt for you to lean on people a bit, especially since you are so dedicated to helping others.
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[He nods a bit at the question.]
I've been fine! It's been surprisingly peaceful lately, so we'll see how things go up north.
[Some part of him is looking forward to it, but that's not really something he's going to dwell on.]
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[...Well, anyway...]
Did you still want to talk about whatever it was my past life thought he was doing?
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[It's better to know, isn't it?]
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I told you that my past life came up with a complicated plan all to kill someone. The man I wanted dead was the leader of the guilds. I was running a guild at the time, and I believe I saw him as standing in the way of my goals - which ultimately were to make a profit on the high tensions between the Empire and the guilds. I tried quite a few times to push them closer to war, though ultimately I never succeeded at that.
I did succeed at getting that man killed. I'm not sure how I felt about it after, but I did respect the man.
[You can probably see how it was kind of weird to remember all of that.]
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I'm sorry. That sounds...well, "unpleasant" is something of an understatement.
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...Likewise, actually.
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[Not like he thought everyone was overwhelmed with them or anything, but this is... hmm. He's not sure how to feel about that.]
What are some of the things you've remembered?
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[It's entirely true, and that... that's really the problem he's been having with Arthurlexei over here, isn't it?]
I promise I won't think any less of you, regardless of what you'd like to tell me.
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I don't know why I chose the methods I did, but I wanted to use my power to do something terrible to people in order to save them from themselves.
[He's quiet for a moment, toying with that pendant again.]
...I was also a murderer. Again, I don't know why, but I've remembered killing a child and disposing of the body. We were outside, and I stabbed him to death in the middle of the night and threw the corpse into a pit of some sort.
[...]
I killed a child, I watched horrible things happening to people, I wanted to cause serious harm to an unthinkable number of people... I didn't feel much, while any of that was happening.
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That would be a lot to take in under any circumstance, but Jaeger's mild confusion isn't because it's a lot. Sure, it is. And yes, it's terrible. But he did mean what he said, he just hadn't realized the person he's dealing with can't be Alexei.
Yes, there are things that line up. And this is pretty vague as it is, and Jaeger certainly wouldn't put it past Alexei to kill a child. Given how he was keeping Yeager in line, it's possible. No, the part that's throwing him so hard is the first one, the thing about angels and demons and Arthur becoming the leader of a religious order.
Arthur isn't Alexei, and while he should probably be really relieved at that, right now he's just confused.]
...Oh dear, that really is a lot to have remembered in such a short time.
[But just because he's confused doesn't mean he should just sit there!!]
I'm terribly sorry. These memories sound like they've been difficult, even without any emotions attached. Perhaps especially without them, that's a little worrying.
[...]
I meant what I said though, Arthur. This isn't going to make me think poorly of you. How are you holding up? I can imagine that dealing with all of this so suddenly is very difficult.
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[He does want to clarify that much, at least.]
I was married to a woman who saved my life once. I spent time with her sister, teaching her how to take care of herself and provide for others. I lived with them for ten years before becoming head of the Abbey. The angels I've remembered were...nice, I think; they didn't all look like people, some of them were small creatures that were very cute.
It's manageable for now. It's not something I really talk about with anyone, but it isn't the worst.
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There's usually some good memories in there as well, at least in my experience. My past life had two daughters, and he loved them as much as he could at that point.
[There's nothing negative about the last part. Yeager just wasn't capable of feeling as much as Jaeger would have liked.]
I'm glad it's manageable, at least. It can be really difficult getting memories like that; I'm glad you're doing okay, though!
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[...]
You said that I could ask you things regarding how Retrospec works. Is that still the case?
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And of course it is. What are you curious about?
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With regards to the physical changes we experience, I know some of them can be more severe than others. I've accepted that another one is likely to happen to me; it isn't going to stop with hair color, and I won't have a say in when it occurs.
I suppose my question is whether things like that tend to happen in the middle of the night like the first one did. I...
[He hesitates; his gaze darts for a moment, obviously uncomfortable, before he pushes ahead anyway.]
It isn't anything life-threatening or painful. It's just something that I would prefer to have happen while I'm asleep.
[His tone is slightly forced; the sort of thing that implies he's at least trying to be brave about it.]
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From my experience, yes, it always happens in the middle of the night. I've received a few physical changes like that.
[...]
I understand if you don't wish to talk about it, but if it's something you'll need assistance with, is there anyone you can call should it happen?
[...hopefully it's something where you can call someone??? Or text them or something??]
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[That much is immediate.]
It's something I'm going to need to learn to live with. There's no point in making anyone worry over me. Everyone has their own problems, most more severe than my own.
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That doesn't mean that you should act like your problems aren't important.
I used to believe the same thing - my memories weren't as bad as those of the people around me, my physical changes weren't as terrible, things like that. I thought it was important to support them and to keep my own worries to myself, because they weren't as bad. But it really didn't work, and it took quite some time, but eventually they helped me realize that doing that was only causing me even more pain.
It's not fair to do something like that to yourself, and I'm sure those closest to you will be more than happy to help, if you'll let them.
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I can't protect or save anyone, and I'm not useful to anyone in this situation except for the support that I can provide. If I can't even offer that, then I have nothing, and I refuse to be worthless like that.
I'll be fine.
[There's nothing angry or upset about it; it's all just statements, really, albeit kind of firm ones.]
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I'm sure the support you provide others is incredibly important to them. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them already consider you a friend.
That's how I ended up dating my husband, actually. We weren't really close until Retrospec happened and we helped one another out. I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't had his help.
I'm do think you'll be fine, regardless of what happens. But I also think it wouldn't hurt for you to lean on people a bit, especially since you are so dedicated to helping others.
[aka "please make friends"]
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